Once upon a time there was a woman in love with human mind and its unlimited potential.
She saw it in technology, but it could be almost any industry, really. She wanted to be a part of it for as long as she remembered.
She was raised by an educated mom, in a country with people self-inflicted with irrational fears drawn from communist times. Her mom was anyway the only one from 5 siblings to go to the university and continue career in education.
The girl never had a father since he left her when she was only 3 months old.
He gave her mother an ultimatum – giving the baby to the orphanage house or seeing him leaving. (that was the last time they saw him).
She spent her childhood leafing through books about space, time and cats. Her mom never made her miss anything. Despite her mother herself keeping away from risk, she always told her daughter that she can do and be anyone she wanted.
It’s been almost 6 months since I last published on this blog. I’ve been postponing finishing any of my 20-something drafts, as I never could get my thoughts together into one clear conclusion worth (in my opinion) sharing.
It probably happened to you many times.
You probably have had those moments of inspiration where you suddenly started creating something; whether it was an article, poetry, painting or something else, but then you never shown results of your half-baked creativity to others. The next day inspiration faded away, the confidence gave way to the fear of being ridiculed and voilà.
You talked yourself out of showing the outcome of your thoughts to the world. You sticked with safe choices. Sharing current news, fashion, sport, scientific revelations, thoughts of people who have more guts than us to share their opinion. (the usual truth is: they do not give a sh*t on what others think of how they think).
Over the last years gender inequality became a widely commented subject, especially its pay and career advancement angle.
It seems like the discussion has become oversaturated and we don’t need more ‘awareness’ anymore, but rather support coming from ourselves – women. (I’m focusing on women in tech aspect here, as this is the industry I operate in in case you haven’t already noticed :)) Never mind that computer science was founded largely by women. Never mind, that in the mid-1800s, Ada Lovelace, the only legitimate child of Lord Byron, did much of the work behind Charles Babbage’s proposed “analytical engine,” writing what’s now hailed as the world’s first computer program.
When did it start going wrong? Nobody can say. One theory holds that things changed as egos—and money—got involved. Another is that technical women lack role models in pop culture.
(The number of in-house female engineers in the HBO show Silicon Valley? Zero.) A recent MIT study found that when men and women made identical start-up pitches for more than 500 participants, the men were chosen nearly 70 percent of the time.
I guess these few months of absence from publishing were caused by my yet another painful burnout from fighting with the windmills. Nobody likes to admit failing or rather not-succeeding, and no work-in-progress without tangible results is stumbled upon. So we cling to what we know, what can’t hurt us (more than it’s doing already) and do not openly share messed up puzzles of unmaterialised goals.
We embrace big visionaries and men of action. We willingly share blunt headlines of latest tech inventions trying to take credit for other people’s bravery like those proud beer-pouring football fans who proclaim “WE won”.
Yet, most of us don’t have the balls to follow the same path. We fear being ridiculed for our unsuccessful attempts.
I feel lost. I just want to cry and hide. London is tough already and this whole Amuse quest I have taken on overwhelms me and makes me feel so little and unimportant. There are so many unknowns where I am expected to immediately know what decision to undertake. There are so many things I have to figure out on the go, wade into executing business model which hasn’t been tested before. To hell with my wasted time (if failed). The only thing I care about is not to let anybody down. I often feel like a fraud proclaiming about my huge ambitions and big promises and so far, being able to show only a small fraction of success I’m going for. Why is everything taking so long?!?
For some time I’ve been paralysed with thoughts of the future.
Ok, I’m lying. It’s been like that almost forever, at least since I decided to create my own non-copy-paste fate and deviate from paved way by all-too-cautious previous generations.
Although I am determined and know what I want to achieve, I often feel anxious and frustrated that “my future” does not happen quickly enough.
It’s funny the longer I postpone publishing a new post, the harder it’s for me to restart writing. Every sentence feels flimsy comparing to what I’ve written previously. It’s like forgetting how to hand write – after all these years tapping into the keyboard or a glossy iPad screen, hand writing one page of a letter literally feels painful.
Ok, few lines of a warm-up text written. Let’s begin.